Too Much
by butterflie
Summary: Takeru, and wanting too much. Takari, unrequited Takato. Incest.


Disclaimer: Digimon belongs to Toei.

Author's Notes: This is a short one-shot fic expanding on my drabble Enough. It's absolutely not necessary to read that to understand this fic. However, this fic has one-sided Takeru/Yamato, which is incest. So if that's not your thing, feel free to make use of the back button. Flames will be laughed at and then disregarded. Also, the thing about the Digivices getting swapped and whatnot, that happened on the drama cd Michi he no Armor Shinka, which I like to consider partial canon.

Too Much  
by: butterflie

Takeru remembered the day he'd learned Yamato was dating Sora. It had been not too long after Yamato's concert that one winter, the one that had been interrupted by the Dark Tyranomon and Bakemon appearing in the real world.

Yamato had told him while they were at Yamato's apartment, just hanging out and spending some time together. Anger and jealousy had immediately washed over him. He'd been holding onto Patamon, and for a brief moment his fingers had tightened, digging into Patamon. His Digimon had let out a small surprised squeak, and he'd quickly let go as he realized what he'd done. The anger had been quickly replaced by shame. Why had he felt like that? He should have been happy for his brother. But all he could think was, _no fair_.

After that, they'd been so busy with Oikawa and his trouble, and then fighting to save the Digital World from Myotismon, and he hadn't given Yamato and Sora much thought. Then, just a couple months later, there'd been that crazy mess with Daisuke dark evolving and all the Digivices getting swapped. It had been painfully shoved in his face then, that Sora and his brother were dating.

He didn't like it. He tried constantly to convince himself he didn't know why he felt that way, but some deep, dark part of him understood exactly why he didn't like it. He was still jealous.

Not of Yamato, but of Sora.

It was wrong. He had no reason, no _right_ to feel this way. What should he care if Sora was dating Yamato? It shouldn't matter if Yamato liked Sora _that_ way, or if he even ended up falling in love with her someday. Yamato still loved him too.

The problem for Takeru was that it wasn't enough. It wasn't the right kind of love, the kind he wanted.

He didn't know when he'd began feeling this way. He'd always loved his brother. Only, when he'd been little, it was innocent. It was pure and admiring.

He tried to tell himself he was too young. He was only twelve, only just starting puberty. He couldn't be in love, not even with a girl. Impossible. Yes, that's what it was. Absolutely, definitely impossible.

xxx

A few years passed, and Yamato remained with Sora. He remained jealous. He'd been right when he was twelve, though. It hadn't been love. It had been lust. As wrong and disgusting as it sounded, his wet dreams frequently featured his brother. And that didn't really help the fantasies that had started to run through his head.

He thought, maybe, that if he started dating girls, it might help him to not want Yamato so much. After all, he wasn't into other guys. It was just Yamato. So a few weeks after his sixteenth birthday, he asked Hikari out. She accepted. After a few dates they were officially known to be "together" to everyone else.

But it didn't help, not really. His wet dreams were still mostly of Yamato. And a year later, when he and Hikari finally slept together for the first time, he still wanted to fuck Yamato senseless. In fact, it had been Yamato he'd pictured as he thrust somewhat clumsily into Hikari, although that thought was shameful to admit even in just his own head.

He knew he should just dump Hikari. He cared for her deeply as a friend, but he felt nothing for her as a girlfriend. She didn't interest him. He was just leading her on, just going through the motions, and it wasn't fair to her. She should have a chance to be with someone who actually cared about her in that way.

But what could he say? He couldn't very well tell her she was getting dumped because he couldn't stop thinking about fucking his older brother. Not only would it destroy their relationship, it would destroy his relationship with _everyone_. He didn't think she'd tell all their friends, but word always had a way of getting out somehow.

Maybe he should go to Yamato. Explain the problem, and beg his brother to sleep with him. Just once. Just enough so that he could stop thinking about it all the time and get on with his life.

But he knew it wouldn't work. His brother would never accept that. Yamato would probably disown him as a brother. And word would _definitely_ get out to the other Chosen then, because Yamato would tell Taichi, and Taichi would accidentally let it slip somehow. No. It was unacceptable. He couldn't let that happen.

xxx

He only realized that his lust for Yamato was getting to be a serious problem the day he nearly let Yamato's name slip while he and Hikari were having sex. He'd caught himself in time, and Hikari didn't even give any sign of noticing, but the consequences would have been enormous had Yamato's name come from his lips.

Something had to be done. The daydreams and sex dreams _had_ been increasing lately, it was true, but he could handle those well enough. But using Hikari to play out his fantasies of fucking his brother? Not only was it wrong, it was _dangerous_. No matter how much he wanted his shameful secret to _stay_ a secret, he knew he'd never have peace of mind if he didn't tell _someone_.

The problem was, he knew that someone would have to be Yamato, because if he told one of the other Chosen and word got back to Yamato, it'd be disastrous.

He sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, then leaned over to get the phone. He'd been laying there thinking over his problem, but obviously just thinking about it wasn't helping any. He'd have to _do_ something. Something like talk to Yamato. Now, before he lost his courage.

He dialed the familiar number quickly, easily, listening as it rang. Yamato picked up after about five rings. Takeru gripped the phone hard upon hearing his brother's voice. Suddenly he was nervous, and not at all sure he should go through with talking to Yamato about his problem after all.

They exchanged greetings and played a few moments of catch-up. Takeru wanted to drag it out as long as possible, but he knew that the longer he delayed, then the harder it would be to say what he wanted to say. So when a lull came in the conversation, he decided to plunge right into it. Sort of. "Yamato, I need to talk to you. Can I come over?"

"Can it wait? Sora's coming over soon."

He gripped the phone harder, fingers tightening until his knuckles turned white. "It's kind of important." He paused. "How about tomorrow? It's the weekend."

He should have known better.

"Ah, sorry, I've got a date."

Takeru fumed slightly. He was beginning to feel like he didn't know his brother anymore. Yamato never seemed to have time for him, or even care about that fact. He was always busy with Sora, or his band, or college. It was frustrating, especially when all Takeru thought about was Yamato. Fucking him, yeah, but thinking about him nonetheless.

"Well, when _are_ you free?" he asked, trying to keep his voice cheerful sounding.

"Ah, well... that is..." Yamato said, and Takeru knew he wouldn't be talking to his brother anytime soon.

He sighed. "Just whatever day is good, Yamato."

To his annoyance, "whatever day is good" ended up being a day about two weeks later. He wanted it to be earlier, but he knew he had to take what he could get. So he agreed with his brother, telling him the day was fine. Takeru sighed again as he was hanging up the phone. He wondered if he'd still have the nerve to talk to Yamato by then.

xxx

Not surprisingly, he found the next two weeks to be really hard. He was nervous and distracted most of the time, and it showed. Both Hikari and Daisuke noticed it right off, of course, them being in the same class with him. Yet even the others he didn't see as much--Ken, Iori, Koushiro--even they noticed how out of it he seemed to be. Luckily enough for him, they chalked it up to the big test he had in three days, and said nothing about it.

But the excuse didn't last forever, and when the test was over and Takeru was still distracted, the others still took notice.

Hikari, predictably, was the first to comment on it.

"Takeru, are you okay?" she asked one day after he had failed to respond to anything she'd said. "You've been so distracted lately."

He wondered if Yamato would hate him, if he would tell everyone else, or if he'd never speak to him again. He didn't _think_ so, but it was still--

"Takeru!"

He felt a finger jab into his side, and he looked up, startled, to find Hikari's worried face staring at him. "Huh?" he asked, feeling a bit guilty.

"Are you okay? You haven't heard a word I've said."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I'm fine. Just thinking." He scooted closer to her on the couch and put his arm around her, hoping it would keep her from asking any more questions. Wishful thinking, really.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Ah," he blushed and gave a nervous little laugh. "It was nothing. Nothing important."

"You've certainly been thinking about it an awful lot for it to be nothing," she pried, even as she snuggled in closer to him.

He just shrugged and decided the best way to shut her up would be with a kiss.

xxx

It only worked for a few days, though. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to pay attention to anything around him, and he was making Hikari increasingly worried about him. She was constantly after him to tell her what was wrong, but because he couldn't tell her he wouldn't say anything. He would merely silence her with a kiss and gentle words, and even that was starting to wear thin. Something had to give, and soon.

The blow up actually came two days before he was supposed to talk to Yamato. Hikari--quiet, gentle, kind Hikari--spent half an hour yelling at him before she finally dumped him. He knew she was just worried and concerned for him, and he felt bad about that, but he was honestly relieved when they broke it off. He didn't love her, didn't even like her in that way, and it hadn't been right of him to use her in the way he had been.

Daisuke tried to talk to him about it the next day, and in a brief fit of insanity Takeru considered telling him the truth, about who he _really_ liked and why he'd been so distracted, but it didn't take long for his common sense to return and let him know just what a _bad_ idea that would be. So he only shook his head and insisted that everything was fine, and that he and Hikari had been having problems for awhile so it was better they weren't together anymore. He even encouraged Daisuke to go after Hikari, knowing that his friend's childhood crush on her had never quite gone away. Daisuke blushed and stammered a bit, and Takeru's problems were forgotten.

But at last the day finally came. Takeru woke up, a feeling of nervous dread already settled in his stomach. He wondered how he would ever make it through the school day.

xxx

Takeru knocked on the door to Yamato's apartment and waited, hands clenching and unclenching nervously at his sides. He was once again starting to have doubts about whether this was really the right thing to do. Maybe it wasn't too late to change his mind. Maybe he could run away right now, before Yamato saw him--

Then the door swung open, and there was Yamato, inviting him in, offering him something to drink, to eat, and Takeru knew it was too late to change his mind. He swallowed and followed his brother inside, declining the offers of food. It would better if he just dived right in to what he had to say. He sat down at the table, absently wondering why it was that they always ended up in the kitchen at Yamato's.

"Yamato, you love me, right?"

His brother gave him a strange look and leaned against the counter. "Of course I do, Takeru," he said, his tone implying he was wondering why Takeru would even ask, and if this had been the important thing Takeru absolutely _had_ to discuss.

"Well," He paused, taking a deep breath. This was it, there was no turning back. "It's not enough."

"Huh?" Yamato clearly didn't understand.

He sighed, and looked away. He couldn't look his brother in the face while he confessed such wrong thoughts. "It's... It's not enough. I love you, Yamato. As a brother, yes, but more than that, I think. I love you in the way that you love Sora. I think about you all the time in ways brothers never should. I fantasize about you when I'm with Hikari, I have dream--"

"Stop!" Yamato's voice sounded shaken, and Takeru looked back at him, not surprised at what he saw on Yamato's face. Yamato was staring at him in undisguised horror. "Shut up, Takeru. It's not funny, okay?"

"It's not a joke," he said quietly, heart lurching in fear. Why had he expected Yamato to take it well? He should have known better. He should have _known_ better, had _known_ better, really. And yet, he'd had to go and tell him anyways, even knowing deep down how it would really turn out.

There was a long, long silence in which Yamato didn't say anything. Takeru was afraid to look back at him, see what he was doing and thinking, afraid to see any rejection on his face. He didn't think he could handle it. It had been stupid to even hope in the first place, a stupid idea he couldn't let go all because he couldn't get dirty thoughts about his brother out of his head.

"You really do mean it, don't you," Yamato said at last, his voice a bit hoarse, as if he was having trouble speaking. It was clear he didn't mean it as a question. "You really feel something for me.

"Yes," he whispered. "I do. I know, I _know_ that it's wrong to have some kind of attraction for you, some kind of lust or love or who knows what, but--but I can't help what I feel. If I could make it go away, I would have done so long ago. I'm sorry."

"But why _tell_ me?"

Takeru swallowed, wondering what excuse he could come up with that would placate his brother somewhat. It wouldn't do to tell him the truth, what he'd been maybe hoping for. "Uh," he said, stalling, mind casting frantically about for something, _anything_ to say. But as he stood there unable to come up with an excuse, the silence grew and stretched, and Yamato gradually came to realize he wasn't going to say anything, and he understood the silence for what it really was.

"_You were hoping something would come of it?!_" Yamato half-screeched the words.

"No!" Takeru shouted back, even as his mind was shouting yes. "No, of course not! I just... I just thought maybe you should know, is all." It was a lame, feeble excuse. He knew it, and he knew that Yamato knew it. He was beginning to be sorry he'd ever thought to bring this conversation up in the first place.

He bit down on his lip, started to trace the patterns in the wood of the table. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. Let's just... let's just pretend this conversation never happened, okay?"

Yamato snorted. "As if it's that easy," he said, and his voice sounded bitter.

"I'm sorry," Takeru said again, a bit helplessly. He gave a sort of half-shrug and stood up. "I... I'm just going to go, okay?"

He didn't wait for Yamato's reply, just walked out of the kitchen and let himself out of the apartment. He didn't go home. He just walked around Odaiba for awhile, no real destination in mind, thinking about what a fool he'd been to ever say anything. He was sure that by tomorrow everyone would know his shameful secret. And then he'd be shunned and hated, all because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. All because he had to go and get some stupid crush on his own brother.

_The problem wasn't that Yamato's love was never not enough_, he thought bitterly. Instead, it was that his love for Yamato was too much. He sighed, and at last started to head for home.

2006 butterflie October 25, 2006 Wednesday 12:29PM

Author's Notes: Eh. It could have been better. I practically never write Takeru/Yamato though (despite loving it to death), so it was a struggle, because I found it really difficult. But ah well. Perhaps someone will still enjoy it anyways.


End file.
